Take Five With Big Brother’s EvelDick

Name: EvelDick
Home town: Elmont, NY/North Long Beach, CA
Birthday: 6/24/63
Show(s) you were on: The Biggest Loser (or as CBS calls it, Big Brother 8)

RRC: Name three hidden talents you have:

Evel Dick: 1. I can gulp a 16oz beer down in about 3 seconds
2. I can belch the national anthem, while grabbing my crotch and not get boo’d out of a park.
3. I can shoot ping pong balls with Jameka’s name on them, out of my ass while tearing up a picture of both the pope and George W.

RRC: Name three things you can’t live without:

Evel Dick: 1. P***y
2. Porn
3. Hand lotion

RRC: Name your top three favorite songs:

Evel Dick: 1. Motley Crue, Girls, Girls, Girls
2. Foo Fighters, Monkey Wrench
3. Anything Pennywise, I am just playing the shit out of all their stuff lately
RRC: Name your three favorite foods:

Evel Dick:

1. Chicken Cutlets Parmesan

2. Australian Lobster Tail

3. Ben & Jerry’s Carmel Sutra

RRC: Name three foods you hate:

Evel Dick: 1. Sprouts
2. Beets
3. Brussel Sprouts

RRC: Name three people you most admire:

Evel Dick: 1. Einstein (and it mostly has to do with the fact that he refused to work on the Atom & H Bombs during the war)
2. The Rolling Stones for being Rock Stars since I was born and still being alive and fucking hot girls
3. Osama Bin Ladin for pulling the Houdini of all Houdini’s… And nobody seems to give a rat’s ass. Poof and now he is a goat

RRC: Name your three favorite books:

Evel Dick: 1.Venus and Mars… Pfffft, yeah right. Stephen King, The Talisman
2. F. Scott Fitzgerald, a collection of all of his short stories, which were excerpts of his novels.
3. The Bible, great work of Fiction

RRC: Name your three favorite reality tv experiences:

Evel Dick: 1. Winning
2. Being in the Final 2 with my daughter (and actually, you can make this my #1 answer here, for sure)
3. Bringing Jen to the edge and then pushing her off. Her newkueler (spelled like our president says it) meltdown was a highlight. I also really enjoyed everyone’s diary rooms where they are crying and calling me the devil and all that. Funny shit right there.

RRC: Name your three favorite tv shows:

Evel Dick: 1. South Park

2. Tilla Tequila… baaaaa haaaa! I would rather stick a fork in my eye and pluck that fucking thing out, then eat it raw before subjecting myself to that piece of shit show. The success of that show goes to show the intelligence of our country. I am going to guess and say that it is a lot like Jerry Springer in the fact that it makes people feel better about their lives, because they watch all of those fucked up people and say, “Man, them thar is some really fucked up freaks.”

Even though I haven’t seen it in quite a while. And even though she was the host of the biggest farce of an awards show, it was really just a long commercial for Bravo’s own shows where they decided to use a pic of me as a prop to make it look like it really was a show, when in essence I never heard a god damn thing about being nominated for their nonexistant, fake award until 3 days after the show aired…. Of course I am talking about the “A-List Awards” hosted by Kathy Griffin, who’s show “Life on the D-List” is fucking hysterical. Or at least used to be when I was watching it.

3. Entertainment Tonight for how totally and completely lame it is. I mean, who really gives a fuck? And didn’t we all know that Sugar Ray was the biggest poser, dick sucker back when he sang? Well, he is now an even bigger poser, dick sucking douche. I was running a bar in Newport Beach on Balboa Island and that douche comes in and expects everyone to fall all over themselves and his bill comp’d etc…. I told him to get the fuck out, that this wasn’t Hollywood and unless he was planning to OD and die on the steps to the bar, him being in there was just making the place stink of overpriced cologne with a shitty attitude. So, him and his posse rode over to the next bar where he managed to get his ass kicked in embarrassing fashion. A well deserved ass kicking, I might add. See, there is a God and his name was Taco, that night anyhow.

RRC: Name three things people would be surprised to know about you:

Evel Dick: 1. I was a fine dining waiter for many years working at places like The Ritz Carlton and Four Seasons
2. I have a thing for Norwegian women
3. I was escorted out of the Vatican

RRC: Name three people you would love to meet:

Evel Dick: 1. Bill Gates, just so I could kick him in the nuts for all the wasted hours of my life restoring computers that were running windows on them. And Vista sucks more cock that Natalie did in BB9.
2. The guy that bought stock in those 10 million dollar airport security machines right before 9/11
3. Courtney Love when she was a stripper at Jumbo’s Clown Room

RRC: Name three projects you are working on

Evel Dick: 1. I just shot a pilot for my own show. It is in editing now, but the production company is loving what they are seeing. The top dog there at Generate is the guy who was the guy who launched the WB, he was president (So, of course I asked him if he killed Bobcat Goldthwaits career on purpose just to save our hearing and sanity.) He was also Exec Producer of shows like The Gilmore Girls and a bunch of others I can’t remember because I never watched them. But, this project wasn’t just made for me, it is me. It is like they will be filming my life before the show in so many ways. It lets me be me, with no compromising who I am or what I am doing. And they are talking about the show in it’s 3rd and 4th seasons, tossing around general ideas of what they want me to do with it then. So, they totally believe in this thing, as I do. It isn’t being shopped just yet and there is a lot of interest in the show already, just from word of mouth within the industry. So, I feel positive enough to put myself out there far enough to say, I am sure this show will be picked up, it’s just a matter of where…. and there is a lot of network interest, almost exclusively actually… but I am not complaining…. yet.

2. Real Player has been great to me since my season has ended. Everything I have done with them has ended up getting huge numbers and they are very happy with what I am doing for them. I am very happy to be doing it for them. They are very easy to work with and I really enjoy the show (webcast) I do for them. I plan on working with them in some capacity for quite a while, even with the show if it is picked up… we will be crossing over all kinds of media with this thing and Real Player is a perfect vehicle to do some of this with.

3. I will be directing a porn for Vivid sometime in the future. The president of Vivid is a big fan of the show and has made me an offer I can’t refuse…. He has had Snoop Dog and Dave Navarro do similar and it has turned out ok for him. I guess he just figured that with a name like Evel Dick, I needed to be in porn in some way shape or form.

Thanks, that was fun…

(Originally published August 2008 on RealityRollCall.com)